


Moments of Difference

by Pres310



Series: Wild Witches, Wilder Magic [4]
Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Bisexual Eda Clawthorne, Character Study, Eda Clawthorne Needs a Hug, Eda is trans, Exploration of identity, Found Family, Gen, Internalized Transphobia, Poetry, Short Story, The inherently queer experience of being bullied in elementary school, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, based on some of my own experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28231011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pres310/pseuds/Pres310
Summary: Whether I could put words to it or not-There were always moments where I realized I was different.
Relationships: Eda Clawthorne & Lilith Clawthorne, Eda Clawthorne & Luz Noceda
Series: Wild Witches, Wilder Magic [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1988593
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	Moments of Difference

**Author's Note:**

> This is super self indulgent and based off of some of my own experiences, I'm just gonna tell you now.

_You can't place the moment where you realize you're different._   
_It's not your hands._   
_It's not your face (yet)._   
_It's not your voice._

  
_It's the childhood days on the playground_  
 _All fantastical_  
 _All up in your own head._  
 _Your own head_  
 _Which is just different enough_  
 _That they_ notice _._

  
It was the night I looked up at my sister, her bunk bed just above mine, because I couldn't look her in the eyes.

  
“Lilith,” I whispered. “I think I’m broken.”

  
“How?” She would whisper back. “Did you break your finger again?”

  
I looked down at myself- I didn't understand mirrors yet. I didn't understand why glass warped me so much, and I didn't understand why I was broken. But it became abundantly clear, over time, that kids could take one look at me and see something wrong. Invisibly wrong. 

  
“No, I'm not that stupid,” I huffed. “Forget about it.”

  
_It isn't the immediate knowledge_   
_Of knowing what exactly is different._

  
_It's the first moment that something separates the two of you._   
_It’s when things really begin to stick that this body is not your own._   
_It's the days when your body doesn't ache where it should_

  
It was all the nights, late and hushed and secret, when I went out in Lilith’s old dresses and boots I borrowed from a friend. I told myself it was all a performance- just like the boots, it was borrowed. It wasn't mine. I couldn't be this forever, when forever meant pink and lace and white, pure doves and golden filigree. Forever never implied change. Forever meant I was born that way. I could wrap myself in fluid, shifting purple silk and tell myself that it was just for the soundproof velvet night sky. That it was all for girls my age with platinum hair and mischievous smiles and boys I could run from the minute things got too close. That it was all for people in between, who I watched from afar because if I got too close, the aching feeling in my gut would make me cry, because when you spend so long without real family you forget just how much you crave it. Because I would finally face a mirror that didn't warp me.

  
_It isn't the final destination._

  
_It's the train station,_   
_Liminal_   
_Chest feeling soggy and drowned with tears_   
_Where you can go anywhere. Anytime._

  
It was the day when I told Lilith. And our parents. And apparently everybody, without my knowledge, because when I went to school the next day all everybody called me was Eda, and it was all I wanted but all too soon. 

  
There were questions asked- so many that my ears rang and all I felt was numbness. About me. About Lilith. About magic and spells I didn't even know existed.

  
_It isn't when you're standing up for yourself._   
_It isn't martyrdom._

  
_It's when you're caring for yourself._   
_It's when you're caring for somebody. Something._   
_It's when your body keeps the score,_   
_But you find moments of peace_   
_Between train cars._

  
It was when I found Luz. The human. Who was so strangely human but so strangely magical. It was when my bones would ache and my head would spin and my dreams would replay days and nights tattooed onto it. It was waking up from trauma dreams to… pancakes. It was one morning, just one, but it settled in comfortably with all of my awful thoughts and told me it would stay. It told me that caring about me wasn't too much work if it was me. Eda Clawthorne. Magical outlaw witch mentor…

  
It was when I finally found that family that I think I realized I was different for the last time. Still different in all the ways that scared little teenage Eda, still different in the ways that scared myself, but now different from both of those. I’d grown. I had Lilith in my life again, for better or for worse. I had King and Hooty and Owlbert. I had my kid, when so many years ago, I couldn't ever see myself being that for somebody. 

  
_You can't pace the exact moment when you realize that you're different._  
 _But there will come a day_  
 _When different_  
 _Will not mean_ bad _._

**Author's Note:**

> I kin and care about Eda so much, it's unreal.


End file.
